This is your captain speaking.
Flight time to Nice will be seven hours, 30 minutes.
Our flight attendants will be coming by
to provide you with complimentary beverages.
Excuse me!
- We'll be flying at an altitude of 31,000 feet. - Hello!
- Relax and enjoy your flight. - Excuse me.
- Hey, there! - Mom.
- Do you mind? - Emergency exit's 13D, sweetie.
Great. Got it. Thanks, Dad.
Excuse me.
Three chardonnays, please.
No, nothing for me. I always remain alert in flight.
- Me, neither. Thank you. - Just the three, then.
I am so proud of you, sweetie.
A lot of women who had just got dumped would have backed out of this vacation,
but not you.
Thanks, Dad, but I didn't get dumped. It wasn't quite like that.
- It was mutual. - Yes.
They agreed to part ways, when he dumped her.
I thought it was because he needed space.
No, he just didn't find her spontaneous enough.
Too safe. Predictable.
I am sitting right here. I can hear you.
He tried to get you to go bungee jumping. You wouldn't do it.
I have a thing about heights, and a rule about vomiting in public.
- I think that's perfectly reasonable. - Too many rules, dear.
There's nothing wrong with being cautious, sweetie.
Safety is sexy.
First time your mother and I made love,
we managed to keep our seatbelts on the entire time.
- Wasn't easy... - Okay, Dad,
what did I just say about vomiting in public?
Change seats.
- And the emergency exit is... - 13D. Trust me. I know where it is.
About to throw myself out of it.
I got a visual on him now.
Target confirmed. I know the drill.
You have until 5:00 p.m. To deliver the package,
then the boss wants you to close the account.
Yeah, yeah. I will have his final bill ready to go.
You have my wife and I on the second floor and my daughter on the third,
when I specifically booked adjacent rooms.
I assure you, your room is lovely...
"Lovely" and "adjacent" are not the same thing.
She's a single woman, all alone.
Recently single. I am not always alone.
Dad, the room is fine. Can you drop it?
Do you know how many push-in robberies happen in hotels, sweetie?
Third floor. We'd like an ocean view.
- Always the same thing with the rooms. - Let Daddy do his thing.
Little Frenchman will cave.
He's a weasel face, like you-know-who.
- Richard. I'm talking about Richard. - I know, Mother.
We're not discussing him anymore, remember?
- Right, right. He's dead to us. - Yes.
So it never bothered you that he had a kind of womanly butt?
What?
No, he did not.
Forget I said anything.
- I do not speak French. - Excuse me. We have resolved the problem.
I'm going to go check on my room. You and Daddy figure this out.
You want a little Maalox for the road?
Wouldn't it be easier just to humor me?
I don't speak French.
Yeah, no, no. I got it the first time.
- Why were you pretending back there? - I don't know. Why did you follow me?
I was already going to the beach. Remember?
Yeah, well, I could be going swimming, too.
Are you?
No.
- I'm just going to go marinate in shame. - I'm Spencer, by the way.
It's nice to meet you, Spencer.
- Do you have a name? - Jen! Jennifer. Sometimes Jenny.
No, it's Jen. It's just Jen.
I'm gonna go swimming before it gets dark.
Yes, of course. Muscles like that take some upkeep.
Do you want to get a drink with me tonight?
Yeah. Yeah, sure. I don't have anything better to do, so why not?
Great. I'll see you at Stella Maris at sunset.
Unless you have something better to do.
Okay.
No. No cute dress.
I didn't pack a single cute dress?
Oh, my God. I think I have all my socks.
Got to find a dress.
Thank you.
We knocked on your door several times, I can't believe you're missing this.
I know, Dad. I'm sorry. It's just... You know, my stomach, it's going crazy.
Look, we'll come back right away with saltines and ginger ale.
No, stay put. I'm fine.
Don't be a hero, sweetie.
Dad, trust me, you don't want to be a part of this.
Wait...
Darling, at least you'll look thin on the beach.
- You sure you're gonna be all right? - Yes.
You and Mom go. Have fun without me.
You're gonna find the perfect guy. Someone who is good and decent and kind.
And doesn't have a dishonest bone in his body.
Oh, God!
You picked a perfect table.
Please.
I had to atone for being late.
Too bad I hate champagne.
- I'm sorry. Please. Just go. - I was joking. It was a joke.
That was a joke.
I am a dating robot sent here to observe your ways.
You just pulled a robot voice.
I don't know.
All right, don't worry.
There's a certain segment of the population that goes over big for that sort of thing.
Yeah, nerds. They're my bread and butter.
Yeah? How's that working out for you?
Oh, God. Shit!
This isn't at all what I wanted.
- How about you? - I don't know.
What do we... Are you all right?
- All I wanted was a baked potato. - Okay.
Hi.
Are you on the lam?
You see that guy over by the menus? Freakishly tall, excellent mustache.
- Okay. - No.
I do need to sit down somewhere.
That is a gorgeous mustache.
Well, he...
He's a Russian diplomat.
Also kind of a pervert.
Sat next to him on the plane. Got a little grabby.
Really? Wait, wait, wait. Women don't like grabby?
That's... I'm gonna have to change my whole MO.
I also heard him in the hotel trying to get the room next to mine.
- It's just kind of weird. - Well, I hope you switched rooms.
Oh, no, no. No, I like to live on the edge.
Dangerous weirdoes, spicy food.
Bungee jumping.
I'll give you dangerous weirdoes and spicy foods,
but bungee jumping...
I mean, it's almost never sexy to puke in public.
- That's what I said. - Really?
Yeah.
I mean, it's really nice down here and all, but my bet is that they're gone.
- So shall we? - Sure. Okay.
So, should we order?
You know what? Let's get out of here.
The service is awful, and I need to show you Nice.
You realize I'm going to make you tell me your whole life story.
Trust me, it's boring.
- Want some of mine? - Oh, no, no.
Actually, I really don't drink that much. I should slow down.
- What do you do? - Me?
Consulting. I'm a consultant. For a company. Company consulting.
Lately we've been doing a lot of downsizing. I travel a lot.
Downsizing people.
Well, if you could do anything, you know, anything in the world, what would you do?
I just think it would be nice to put down some roots, you know?
I've actually always wanted to know my neighbors.
I've never had that before.
- That's actually pretty beautiful. - You're pretty beautiful.
- It's the dress. - It's not the dress.
You'd be beautiful without the dress.
Not that I'm visualizing you naked. Although I'm sure you would look...
I'm saying that you would be beautiful clothed differently, as well.
Yeah. Thank you. I do need another.
- Why don't I get you another. - Okay.
- Don't leave. - All right.
Stay put.
Okay, fine. I will dance with you.
I'm sorry, what?
You almost ripped out of your dress to try to seduce me.
- It worked. Come. - No, I was...
- We dance. - Okay, maybe just for a minute.
Wow, you a very enthusiastic dancer.
Oh, God.
This is very nice, but I should really get back to my date.
- Now I blow your mind. Don't move. - Now you're gonna blow my mind?
- Okay. Oh, God. I think I felt something. - Excuse me.
- I'm gonna cut in here. - Back off, Yankee.
- Go find your own prostitute. - No. No, you're misunderstanding.
I'm sorry, I am not...
- Does this dress say "prostitute"? - No.
It's not, really. It's just, it's maybe...
- Wait. Just Jen. - Yes.
- Just Jen. - Yes.
There's something that I've been wanting to do all night.
- Your tag was still on. - Oh, no!
- I'm sorry. - No. No, no, no.
- It's okay. It's okay. - Oh, God. No, it's...
I can't afford this dress.
I left the tag on 'cause I can't afford it, not unless my father buys it for me,
which he wouldn't, 'cause he's not here.
- It's okay. It's fine. - Oh, God.
- Are you okay? - No, I can't breathe. It's so tight.
God, you know what? I'm sorry. I can't keep this up. I am not this girl.
I'm not spontaneous. I never drink this much.
And I don't live on the edge. I live a very quiet, normal life.
I would like a normal life. I'd kill for a normal life.
Well, it gets worse. Just...
You know that guy at the restaurant with the mustache?
- The Russian pervert. - That's my dad.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- Sounds like a really bad home situation. - No, no! Oh, God, no.
He's not Russian. Or a pervert. He's a pilot. You know, he flies planes.
I came on vacation with my parents. That's how lame I am.
I was supposed to come here with my geek boyfriend,
but he dumped me for this girl in the...
Sorry. Go ahead.
I can't breathe.
- This dress is really, really tight. - Okay.
I need to get out of it. Seriously, I've been sucking it in all night.
Can you just... You gotta get it off. Just take it off.
- Really? - Yeah. Take it off.
- Okay. All right. - Yeah. Let's do this.
It's...
The zipper's stuck.
Just break it, it's fine, my father will pay for it.
- Break it? - Yeah, break it.
Here, just turn. Stay... Don't...
- Hold still. - Oh, my God.
- Here. - Thanks.
- I'll be... I'm gonna be over here, doing this. - Okay.
In this manner.
Thank you for being so honest.
I actually feel like I should share something with you.
It's gonna be really hard to say, but I feel like you're real,
so I wanna be real with you.
I haven't really told anyone this before, but...
I kill people.
Wow. You're taking this a lot better than I expected.
Awesome.
I mean, usually it's bad people. It's not like I'm out killing good guys.
I'm not a murderer. I'm a professional. I professionally kill people.
You're a great listener.
Excellent listener.
I don't like what I do.
Not a fan of it.
But I like you.
Tomorrow I'm going to show you Nice.
And hopefully that's just the beginning.
'Cause I like you.
That was really heartfelt, you know what I mean.
I really appreciate that.
Maybe a marzipan mushroom.
I'm sorry. I've ruined it now.
Oh, my God. This is really good. You should take a bite.
Go ahead and try it. I'm not going to eat it all.
I might eat it all if you don't eat some of it.
Good Lord!
French food.
Try that.
- I'm just going to go to the restroom. - Okay.
It's a crush, Spence, it happens.
Go shoot some guns and screw some models.
You'll be good as new.
Then what? Kill some more people?
- They're enemies of the state, not people. - You sure about that?
'Cause five years ago, Leveneaux worked for us.
And then the NSA and then God knows who else, but this week he's the enemy?
What the hell's wrong with you?
You go screw Pollyanna for a week,
and suddenly your life's work is out the window?
She's normal.
And I feel normal when I'm with her, and maybe...
Wake up! Her world only exists because of people like us.
And I'm sorry if people change sides.
Sometimes a friend becomes an enemy, and you have to take them out.
She trusts me.
And I'm not willing to compromise that.
You know, these jobs are not optional, Spencer.
You don't get to just walk away!
Watch me.
You are who you are, Spencer. You can't change that.
I think the best part is that you're finally
- with someone who's genuinely attractive. - I know.
I know. I keep thinking I'm going to build up
some kind of tolerance to his physical, godlike perfection.
But it just hasn't happened yet.
No.
Okay. It's a little early, Mom.
Early!
You think they're all right out there?
As long as Daddy doesn't shoot him, we're good.
So I hear you're jobless.
Corporate consulting's a tough business, sir.
Jen and I were talking about putting some roots down.
I might open up my own firm here...
Look at my shoes.
They're Edward Green. I picked them up 20 years ago,
when I was still flying the London route.
If you have something of great quality,
and you take good care of it, you'll have it forever.
I know you're worried about Jen.
Why would I worry?
I'm confident
that you'll never hurt her.
That's a nice shot.
Thank you. I was an Eagle Scout.
They really let you shoot stuff in the Boy Scouts?
So do the Marines.
Semper Fi.
That was yours.
- I'm sorry. I thought... - Be prepared, Spencer.
You would have learned that in the Boy Scouts.
I was in 4-H.
You know, Jen's not some fragile china doll.
She's funny and she's sweet and she's smart,
but in this kind of an off-kilter way,
where one minute she can be talking about the strategic value of Nice in World War II,
and then next, she's telling me that Cary Grant dropped acid.
Which I... My point is,
it doesn't matter what she says. I can trust her.
I depend on her, sir. It's not the other way around.
So, with your blessing,
I'm going to marry her.
Welcome to the family, Spencer.
Thank you, Mr. Kornfeldt.
Please, call me sir.
How big is it?
Oh, it's big. It's probably the biggest on the block.
Well, have I ever seen anything like it before?
Maybe in a magazine or in your dreams.
Will I know what to do with it?
I'll help you navigate the tricky parts.
- Oh, God! - Greedy, greedy!
It's this blindfold. It's making me...
- Honey! - Sorry! I didn't...
Prepare
to be
thrilled.
Oh, my God, Spence.
You remodeled my office.
It's so organized!
Okay. You can kiss me now.
How'd I get so lucky?
How did I get a guy like you?
It was easy. It was your charm,
and your wit.
You really should not be spoiling me.
Especially since
- it's your birthday weekend! - Come on.
No, we talked about this!
We're not gonna make a big deal out of it this year.
No presents, no parties...
It's just dinner tomorrow night with my parents, I promise.
But I never agreed to no presents.
Come on! I have been keeping the secret for a week!
I'm at my limit.
You kill me.
Open-dated tickets to Nice!
I thought we could go back to where it began, you know?
And the best part is that we can go any time.
But, because I rule, I got two weeks off at the end of the month.
What?
Do you not want to go to Nice?
Of course I do, I... It's...
Things are hectic at work right now. And we have a lot going on here.
Plus, the Peach Parade is at the end of the month,
and you were going to make your cobbler, so...
My cobbler sucks.
You know what made Nice great?
You.
I have everything that I need right here.
Hey, batter, batter, batter!
- Let's go! Pick up the pace! - Hey, Spence!
Here you go. Block party. Bring your pudding, honey.
Hey, Spencer!
- Hi! - Hey!
- It's Lily and Mac! - Hey!
Hey, I'm glad we caught you.
- Block party! - Block party!
- All right. - Are you coming?
- Yeah! - You guys could dress up.
- Perfect! - Okay. Here.
You know what? Here's another one!
- Yeah, we're gonna have those wings. - Great!
That's got a little bit of my spit on it. Don't clone me!
Okay, we're going to go make love.
- You have fun! - Okay.
- Take care. Have a good one. - We'll see you there!
Block party! Block party!
Just get the saw through and just do it.
As long as it's up to code.
Who's paying us here for this, fellas?
Our new Norton Internet Security suite
has sonar behavior based protection that defends against
any unknown online threats,
so be sure to flag that feature for undecided clients.
Okay, people.
You heard her. We're rolling this out immediately,
so let's hop to it.
Jen!
- Polished and concise, as always. - Thank you.
Don't change a word when you go to San Francisco.
You want me to speak at the conference?
No, I want you to dominate it!
Okay! All right.
You fly out tomorrow.
But, Mr. Nootbar, tomorrow is...
Well, it's such short notice.
There's no one else you can send?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We're all gonna get...
- It'll be super cool. - So cool. Yeah.
The conference isn't until Monday.
Just take the weekend to prep.
- You'll be fine. - Okay.
Of course I didn't say that it was Spencer's birthday.
Because it is extremely unprofessional to turn down a business trip
to babysit your husband, birthday or not.
And that's why I didn't mention it.
Can you take him out tonight or not?
Hello? Dad?
If I have to.
Love you, sweetie.
I love you, too. Bye.
No, no, it's too low. Can you lift the back one up an inch?
- No. Right there. Perfect. - Vivian.
Can you come in tomorrow? I'm sorry...
Mildred's having trouble with the billing again.
- Saturday, Mildred and bills. A trifecta. - I'm sorry.
- Thank you. - Fine.
What do you think about this thing?
Well, Henry says it's a statement piece.
Yeah, but is it stating that we like ugly shit hanging from our ceiling?
Yup.
Yup, what?
Yes, you turned our conference room into Bambi's nightmare.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, listen, do me a favor. Grab some flooring samples for Olivia, all right?
Something durable that cleans up easy.
In case we decide to have sex on the floor.
Of course. You're worried she'll vomit.
I like her even more when she's mean to me.
- You're gonna get me in a lawsuit. - Probably.
She gets aggravated, though, you know, when I flirt with other women.
That's what it is.
You do realize that only happens in pornos.
Yeah, the good pornos.
I'm gonna give her a shot as soon as I'm done letting Olivia do dirty things to me.
That's going to take awhile. Olivia's a bigger slut than you are.
Hey, are we gonna pretend to play basketball tonight or what?
No can do. I got dinner with Jen.
I think I just saw your balls roll by.
Yeah, you wanna go catch them for me?
Just crushed it. Just crushed one of your balls right there.
Thanks, buddy. Well, see ya.
Call me Ballcrusher from now on.
So, how'd it go?
Too good. Nootbar is sending me to San Francisco.
No, not the presentation. Spencer's gift.
What did he say about the trip?
He wants to stay home and eat cobbler.
- No vacation sex? - No French getaway?
No.
Who in their right mind turns down a vacation like that?
Well, you know Spence. He's kind of a homebody.
Okay, okay, okay. How long have you two been married?
- What, like, three years? - Yeah.
Okay, see that's your problem.
I have a problem?
Everyone always talks about the seven-year itch.
But no one mentions the three-year snooze.
People get complacent.
Get relaxed, but you have to be vigilant.
Okay? Otherwise, you're growing out your leg hair,
you're growing out your down-there hair,
and you're wearing your fat jeans and a pair of Spanx, okay?
And the next thing you know, he runs off with a reality TV star named Shonda, okay?
And that's my personal experience, but I'm telling you, you better watch out.
Because Shonda speaks six languages, and one of those languages is sex.
Are you gonna eat that?
Getting the hungs. Super hungs over here.
Peach Plaza Motel.
Yes, I'm trying to reach a guest named...
Sir?
Yes. The guest name...
- Annabell Hensler. - Just a moment.
Well, it took you long enough. We need to meet.
That's not going to happen, Annabell.
You know, I get that you love being the soft, suburban zombie.
But like I told you three years ago in Nice, you can't just walk away from this game.
I got a job for you, kiddo.
I'm out. You're going to have to find somebody else to clean up your mess.
My mess? If you don't do this job, it'll be your mess.
I'm in room 114. I'll be waiting for you.
- Just do what I'm telling you. - Spencer!
- Spencer. - Hey!
Spencer.
- Did you just hang up on someone? - Nope.
Jen's tied up at work so I'm supposed to do something nice
for your birthday. So here I am.
- I'm going to feed you. - Boy, that's great.
But really, I can just grab something real quick.
Are you saying you'd rather eat alone?
No. Of course not. I...
Let's break some bread.
Who's H?
My old boss.
Just asked me if I want my old job back.
He sent you hugs and kisses?
Yup.
It's a French thing, you know, they're always kissing. Fruits.
I can't take you to dinner dressed like a street urchin.
So, we'll stop by your house, and pick up adult apparel.
I'll leave my car here.
I will meet you out front.
What's with you?
You're like a chained Rhesus monkey at the wheel.
Just excited about the two of us grabbing dinner.
You and Mrs. K still thinking about going on that cruise?
Yes.
Where are you gonna go?
I really think that's up to the captain, Spencer.
What's with you kids?
Jen shouldn't be coming home to a dark house. It's not safe.
I couldn't agree with you more, sir.
Did I leave my keys in the truck?
I am not telepathic, Spencer.
Maybe I'm just...
This is not Candyland. Unlocked trucks get stolen.
Which is why careful men use the garage.
Thank you, sir.
The keys are in the ignition.
- Surprise! - Surprise!
- You got me good. - Happy birthday, Spencer.
Okay.
Happy birthday.
- I told you I wouldn't throw you a party on... - On my birthday. Right. Very cute.
- Not what you were expecting, right? - No.
Okay. All right. I'm going to run upstairs and change really quick.
Okay. We'll be down here waiting when you come back.
Surprise!
Good job, Daddy!
Good evening, Peach Plaza Motel.
Yes, can you connect me with Annabell Hensler, please?
One moment.
No answer, sir. Would you like to leave a message?
No, no message.
I got a lot of work going on and that,
so I don't know if I'm going to make it this weekend.
- We should hang out more. Yeah. - We should. We should.
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick. - Yeah, I'll join you.
- Mama! - Oh, sweetheart! Oh, dear.
I was just telling Jen how you were going to come over tomorrow.
We can't let you spend your birthday alone.
I got the block party, so... Yeah.
- We could come with you. - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Perfect. Great. - Yeah?
I'm coming, you lush. Henry might be staying the night.
I'm telling you, smoke on the water. This chick was electrified.
Okay.
I need to get a fill-up.
Got something there you think I might like?
- I'll see you guys in a minute. - Or something you might like?
It's your party. You get to have whatever you want.
- Just wine. - Having fun?
- I like wine. - I'll go open it.
I'll be here with a birthday kiss when you get back.
I just hope that it was a good surprise, you know?
I mean, he seems kind of distracted.
He wasn't expecting a house full of people. Cut him some slack.
Maybe Kristen's right about the three-year thing.
You would tell me, right? You wouldn't sugarcoat it.
Because with things like that, it's just better to know.
My legs aren't hairy, but I have been in my fat jeans for the last two weeks,
which may be why he would rather stay home and make cobbler,
than go on vacation with me. I really am freaking out.
What's going on with you guys?
You got her all freaked out at lunch.
Are you still having sex with Spencer, yes or no?
Yeah, all the time.
Then your marriage is fine.
Guys, can we please play charades now? Come on.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- You sure you're all right? - Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
- Oh, God. All right. - Okay, maybe...
- Watch the step. ...walk home.
- Maybe he shouldn't be driving. - He's fine.
- No, no, no. Babe, I got it. - No, honey. No, I got it.
I'll put the house to bed, you go start packing.
- Babe, it's your birthday. - I got it.
- Are you sure? - It's fine. Yeah.
Okay. Just do the bare minimum. I'll get the rest in the morning.
- I love you. - And you, too, I love you.
Where are your pants?
Is something wrong?
No, of course not.
Are you sure? I mean, is everything okay between us?
You're kidding, right?
Come here. Come here. It's fine.
Maybe I could skip the Kornfeldt packing method just this once.
Your flight's early. You should keep packing.
I should have just told Nootbar I'd go tomorrow.
I feel terrible missing your birthday.
No worries. I've got another one next year.
Well, hold on. Hold on. You need your birthday kiss.
Okay. We don't want the neighbors to get jealous.
Throw in a little porno in the driveway. Don't want you to be late for the airport.
- Let's get you going. - Okay.
Or you'll miss your flight. There we go.
Hey, Jen, Jen! Hey, Jen.
- Hey, Jackie. - You're up early for a party animal.
Yeah, I'm just running off to the airport.
My Dougie says it's a good thing we're such sound sleepers.
Because, you know, a lot of other people might have an issue with all that noise.
Anyhoo, Dougie wants to talk to Spence about this whole
fence-on-the-property-line brouhaha we're having.
We don't want to bring lawyers into it any more than you do, right?
But we're quite sure our new fence is not on your land.
You know, you understand.
Yeah, perfectly. Of course.
But you understand, you're going to have to take it up with Spence, right?
Okay. Thanks, Jackie, I'm sorry. I'm in such a big rush. See you soon.
All right. Okay. You're late.
Hey, did you guys have fun last night?
Yeah, it was great. Of course, I'm paying for it this morning.
You're still taking Spence out tonight though, right?
Yes, for the hundredth time.
Good. Okay, did Daddy promise to be nice to him?
Not in so many words.
Just get yourself on the plane. Let us take care of Spence, okay?
Okay, well, I'll call you when I get to San Francisco.
- Love you. - Love you, too, June bug.
Call Chris, all right? Maybe she wants to go to the park.
- Okay. Yeah, that'd be fun. - Sound good?
- Who's that, you or me? - Let's see.
- That's me. - That's you.
- Here you go. - You got any milk?
- Yeah. Everything all right? - Yeah.
What have we got? I've got skim milk and I've got some low-fat yogurt.
You know what you can do? You can mix the two together.
- What the hell are you doing, man? - You should have seen your face!
- You almost crapped your pants. - Yeah, that's really funny.
God!
- What are you doing? - Killing you, buddy.
Where you going, Spence? You got a gun upstairs, or something?
Surprise! I'm back.
Spence?
What are you doing? Spencer, stop it. Stop, you're hurting him!
- I need you to get me something. - Stop it!
Upstairs, in the bedside table, there's a Glock.45.
- A glot? - It's a gun! Just go get it!
- Why do you have a gun? - Just get it!
- Jen! - Okay. All right, I'm coming, I'm coming!
I kind of need you to hurry!
- Okay, okay, here. - Stay right there!
Good job, honey. Now, I need you to point the gun at him
- and shoot him in the face. - What?
Don't do it! He's gone crazy! It's a psychotic break... Don't do it!
- Baby, just shoot him, please. - Okay. Okay.
The bitch shot me!
- Are you crazy? - You told me to shoot him in the face.
I didn't think you were really gonna shoot. I was telling you as a diversion.
Well, then, you should have winked or crossed your fingers, or something.
Baby, I was a little busy trying not to die.
- Oh, my God, I shot him. - It's all right, he's just knocked out.
- He's not dead. It's okay. - I shot him.
I need you to go to the basement and get the duct tape.
- What? Duct tape? - There's duct tape downstairs.
- Go downstairs and get the duct tape. - I can't move.
- Come on, baby. It's okay. It's okay. - I can't move.
It's okay. It's okay. He's going to be okay.
Maybe.
Spence, what is happening?
I'm about to find out.
- Wake up. - Stop it, you're hurting him.
Yeah, I think he'll be all right.
Sorry I'm bleeding on your chair.
- You just had it reupholstered, right? - Yeah.
You were under contract?
Contract? For what, the business?
Somebody hired him to kill me.
Oh, my God!
- I thought we were friends. - Really?
Because you never seemed that invested.
I covered for you with every client that we have.
I talked a half-a-dozen hussy girls out of slashing your tires.
I even drove you to the free clinic when your balls were swollen
- and you had that fungal thing! - No. Not really.
- I helped you bury Sir Barks-a-lot. - Hey,
he was a good dog, all right? Leave him out of this.
- He couldn't fetch for shit. - Spencer.
Yeah? By the end of the day, you're going to be just as dead as he is.
You got a 20-million-dollar bounty on your head.
- Oh, God. - You going to faint?
- Not unless I puke first. - Breathe.
- It's okay. - How is this okay?
- I'll explain, just not right now. - No. You explain now.
I want you to explain right now.
Jen? Spence?
Hello?
Yeah, that's it. Be very quiet.
Maybe the other assassins will go away.
- Yoo-hoo. - It could be any of your neighbors.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
What? You didn't think I'd have some competition?
Twenty million dollars buys a lot of patience.
Hello?
I can see your car.
Spencer, it's just Jackie Vallero.
I know you're in there.
She just wants to talk about the property line or something.
Or kill you.
Hello, you two? Hello?
Well, I'm here about the fence.
- What do we do? - Go.
Now. Through the garage.
What about him?
- No, no, no! - Spencer! Stop!
If I don't, he'll come after us.
- He's our friend. - He's a liar.
- Oh, my God! - Down, down, down.
- Get your seatbelt on. - I am, I am.
Jen! Jen! What's going on?
- Was she holding a gun? - I couldn't tell.
Jen, everything all right?
Good morning.
Slow down!
Stop the car right now! I am getting out right now!
Calm down. Sit down.
I have a right to freak out! I don't even know who the hell you are!
It's me. I just have a different resume.
Who do you work for? Is it the mob?
I can't... If I tell you, they could kill you, too.
Let's just say I work for the blah-blah-blah, and they gave me a license to blah.
- I need air. I need air right now. - Honey.
- Oh, my God. - Honey, it was never my primary directive.
Are we even married?
- I mean, legally married? - Yes, we're married.
- Not, like, "Married in your heart." - I got out in France.
I was in the love bubble in France, and you were on the job.
I was in the love bubble, too. It's not...
Got something for you, Spence.
Spread your legs.
- No, you are not getting off that easy. - Spread them. Spread them!
Okay!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Here, take this.
- Wait! - Hold on.
Thank you.
He's on my side. He's on my side!
- Here we go! - Oh, my God!
Cool! Race cars.
Yeah!
Damn!
I got him.
- You okay? All right. - Yeah.
He's gonna be close behind.
Oh, God.
- Hide. Hide. Now! - What? Okay.
- What are you going to do? - I'm gonna kill him.
Spence?
Spencer.
Get in the truck.
Is he...
Yeah.
Start talking.
I was recruited in college, freshman year.
Why did they choose you?
They look for independent people and after my parents passed,
I didn't have any family, so...
We gotta go, babe.
You can be pissed at me in the truck.
Are you gonna kill me, too?
Come on, if I was gonna kill you, I'd have shot you back at the house.
That sounded weird.
Logically, you know that that's true.
Okay.
Spread 'em.
For God's sakes, what else do you have down there?
How many people, Spence?
Fourteen.
Fifteen. It's fifteen.
Is fifteen your real number?
Or is that like when you ask a girl how many guys she's slept with
and you have to double it and times it by ten?
I didn't do that, I'm just...
Fifteen is my number.
They were all bad guys, as far as I know.
But it was getting harder to tell. And then I met you.
We fell in love and I got out.
My old boss reached out to me yesterday. He's staying in a hotel on Piedmont.
He'll know what's going on.
Sweetie, your gun is showing.
Well, where do you expect me to put it? Have you seen the size of this thing?
It's my dad. Should I take it?
I thought you said you were gonna change that.
Sweetheart, relax. It's a little early to check on Spencer, don't you think?
And Jen will just be getting settled at the hotel.
Yeah, you're right.
Spence. I got that.
Over there.
Easy. That's my old boss. Holbrook.
It's two to the heart, one to the head. It's old-school training.
Had to be an experienced hitter.
All right. Judging from his body, it happened earlier this morning.
It's okay, it's the adrenaline. It'll go away in a little bit.
How can you talk about him like that? You knew him.
That's my training, baby. I'm sorry.
Spence, I can't stay in here. I think I'm gonna get sick.
Just give me a second, baby.
He had to have some information about the target.
You already looked there.
I'm missing something.
It's the watch. It's wrong.
He never wore anything this flashy. Nothing to get noticed.
- Look at this. - It's broken. Who cares?
No, no. It's a plug-in for, like, a flash drive or something. It's missing.
You're right. Someone's taken the drive.
Okay. All right. Let's go.
Do you think that Henry got to Holbrook?
No. Henry wasn't green-lit till this morning.
There was another shooter at the house.
I think we need to get out of here.
- Absolutely. - And go to my parents'.
- No. - Yes.
- No. No. - Yes. My dad will know what to do.
No. I used to do this for a living, okay? We do not want to involve your parents.
And we definitely don't need help from your dad.
I think we do. Because your plan to kill Henry and come see a dead guy?
It's not really working out.
I should have seen this coming. Of course you're gonna rope your parents into this.
You're a spy and a double agent, but I'm the bad guy
'cause I want to call my parents? Really?
We've been married for three years and
we've never been more than five minutes away from your parents.
Do we need to do this right now? Come on.
They're always coming over and your dad's all,
"Well, this is how the Kornfeldts load the dishwasher
"and mow the lawn clockwise 'cause that's the Kornfeldt way.
"Take this piece of coal, stick it up your keister,
"squeeze it real tight like we do and you'll make a Kornfeldt diamond."
Okay, now hold up a minute. You're talking about my parents.
And I'm your husband.
What are we gonna do when we have our own kids?
Jen. Jen, just talk to me for a second. Look, I take it back.
I love your parents. I'm sending them a mental hug right now.
- Look... - Spencer! Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm good. I...
Your garage. It's a wreck.
Yeah. It's was a party foul, the whole thing.
You do realize we have the block party tonight
and it's a real eyesore.
Well, then don't look at it, Pete.
You can't just run off like that.
You make it impossible for me to protect you.
Little late for protection.
- What? - Think about it.
My emotions are all over the place.
I'm picking up smells that half the canine unit would miss.
Plus I pretty much feel like vomiting every time I breathe.
- Baby, it's been a stressful day. - Explain these.
Aren't they always that big?
You take the pill every day.
I know, but I had strep last month, remember?
I had to take a Z-Pak.
Antibiotics knock out the pill. That's why I told you we had to be careful.
I thought you were talking about my technique, not getting knocked up.
Okay, you know what? Don't yell at me, sure shot.
You're the one who suggested naked Saturdays.
- Can I help you? - Stop it.
- Be nice. Don't do that. - What? She's staring. Staring is rude.
Can we just... We're not in a library here, let's just pick up the pace.
Well, they're not all equally accurate, okay?
It's crazy to just stand out here in the aisle,
so take one, take 'em all, I don't know, who cares?
I care. I care, Spence.
It would be awesome to know if I am actually making a little being
inside of me, okay? And don't you call me crazy.
I'm not calling you crazy. The scenario is crazy.
- Standing here... - You know, you're not helping.
Folks? Could I be of some assistance?
Yes. Yes, you can.
Kevin. Which one of these is the most accurate?
Jen, I don't think he's a pregnancy test expert.
Well, First Response seems to be pretty popular.
Can't seem to keep it on the shelf. Here you go.
Okay.
- Must be your first. - Pregnancy test?
- Baby. - Oh, yeah.
Well, it may be your lucky day.
God, stop it.
Look at that, it's on sale.
Great! That's great.
Let's go.
Thank you so much. Thanks. I'm coming.
No judging.
I need to follow protocol and report Holbrook's termination.
We'll get a safe house, you'll be protected there.
I can figure out who Holbrook's target was.
Maybe find out who set this whole thing in motion.
As long as I get to pee on the stick and eat my delicious jerky, I'm in.
Great. Listen. There's one more thing.
You can't be upset. I need to steal a car.
The truck's shot to shit.
It'll probably be the least awful thing we do all day,
so go for it.
God, I'm eating like I just got home from fat camp.
Glad you said it.
Really?
You wanna poke Mama Bear right now? That seems like a good idea?
All right, you're kind of scary right now.
- Just make your phone call. - I'm just saying.
You are go for contact.
This is Zulu One-Four-Niner.
Sierra One-Zero-Zero has been forcibly retired prior to contact.
Please advise a secure location for briefing.
Hold for further instructions.
Zulu One-Four-Niner?
It's my code name.
Just not very catchy.
Sorry, all the cool code names were taken.
Zulu One-Four-Niner, please confirm your contact and his status.
Sierra One-Zero-Zero, and his status is dead
and I believe his target has put a hit on me.
Negative, Sierra One-Zero-Zero has no target.
He is no longer an active agent.
Please provide your location and...
- What happened? - Something's not right.
Where are you going?
Search Henry's stuff and see if we can find out who hired him.
Maybe there's a connection to Holbrook.
And you can do your pee thing.
I got it. I'm in.
Nice.
Porn, porn, porn.
- Porn. - Porn.
People are so inventive.
- They're, like, propped up there, man. - Okay.
Okay, how weird is this gonna get?
Because there are some things you cannot unsee.
That's a picture of Henry's dog, Sir Barks-a-lot.
In costume?
I don't know.
Wait a minute.
Look at the size of these files.
Oh, my God.
These are pictures from two years ago.
I mean, this was the first block party we went to.
Whoever set this up was patient enough
to embed Henry and God knows who else into my life.
- Our life. - Our life.
Wait, wait.
I'm pretty sure your dad took that one.
What is that supposed to mean?
Nothing. Just an observation.
Yes, an observation about my father and that photo.
Because it's a picture that he took.
Okay, so now my dad is a bad guy.
- I definitely did not say that. - No, you're right. You're right.
- Because you're a liar and a hit man... - Okay.
- All right. Here we go. ...and everyone probably is, too.
So, I bet my mom's in on it, and Gammy Kornfeldt, yeah.
I think she's just messing with our minds,
you know, with the whole I'm-in-a-wheelchair bit.
Okay, we are getting into some counterproductive territory here,
and I think we should move on to something else,
like maybe we should piss on a stick now. That would be a good idea.
That is a good idea, because I do have to pee.
Grab my gun.
You can't just walk out in...
- You are aware people are trying to kill us. - I really have to go.
Hold on. Hold on.
For God's sake, just turn the light on,
- it's not like there's a lot of places to hide. - Just humor me.
Why, thanks.
I can't pee with you just standing there staring at me.
Honey, you've peed in front of me a million times.
But there's a little more pressure now, don't you think?
Better?
No.
Really?
Honey, please, can you just give me one minute?
It's gonna take a minute.
You can guard the door.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You're here. - You're here.
Well, I'm glad. Look. There's a problem with the Winkhigh account.
June, 2008, the billing? You might want to take a look at it.
You know what? I... Let's forget the billing.
We'll take care of it on Monday.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Okay. - Great.
Spence?
Wait! You stop it!
Stop it!
Honey, I don't know how to... It's not shooting!
I don't... Oh, God!
You okay?
Baby, are you all right?
I'm out of ammo.
Bullets before babies, huh?
Ammo's kind of important right now.
What's it say?
What's two bars mean?
Hey, you gotta translate this for me.
Hey.
Am I gonna be a dad?
I'm gonna be a mother. But I'm not sure yet if you're gonna be a father.
Jen. Jen.
I know you're upset, and you have every right to be,
- but I can't change who I was. - Where does that leave us.
- We'll figure it out. - How?
- I will keep you safe. - How?
Tell me how and I will stay.
It's over, Spence.
I know you don't want this to be over.
What I wanted stopped mattering the moment I saw those two bars.
Where are you going?
Jen.
Jen!
Olivia!
Henry, who is calling you?
You gotta be kidding me.
Hey, Spencer, got a package for you.
Relax, buddy, try a little decaf.
Come around to the other side for me.
Think it's that back-order fabric from Tucson.
Sure took its sweet time getting here, huh?
Yeah.
I just need your signature on the top there.
- Pen? - Oh, yeah.
I think I got him.
Yeah, you got him.
Oh, God. I'm glad you're okay.
God, look at the windshield!
You must have really pissed him off!
Is anyone not trying to kill me?
Thanks.
Let's go steal a car.
So what do we do now?
I don't know.
Maybe some couples counseling?
No, now.
- Spencer, what do we do right now? - Right now, right.
- Right now. - Right now we're gonna go to the house,
I got a Go Bag, we got money, weapons, passports.
We're set.
Why exactly do we have a Go Bag, Spencer?
Did you know this was gonna happen?
No, I didn't know.
You're lying.
- You are lying! - No, I'm not...
Am I telling you everything?
No, I'm not telling you everything.
Okay? But we're married. That's what married people do, honey.
They lie to each other.
They tell people things that aren't true to keep them safe,
and to protect one another
when they ask things like if they have their mother's arms.
Not that you have your mother's arms, I'm not...
- You lied to me the first time we met. - No, I didn't!
- Unless your dad is a Russian pervert.
Well, I came clean about that. You didn't.
- You did not come clean. - I did, too.
- No, you didn't. - I told you.
I can't help that you were sleeping.
I didn't know that you sleep like a dead person.
Come on.
For all I know, you heard everything I said.
Based on what?
Based on... Your leg was twitching.
God, you know, this is perfect. This is just perfect.
You couldn't have just been hiding tranny porn in the crawlspace,
like Susie Brent's husband, Murray.
Really? Murray Brent?
No, no, no, no.
- You had to be a spy. - That son of a bitch.
I can't believe I married a spy. What am I, Pussy Galore?
Not that I know of.
Excuse me?
You're gonna complain now about our sex life? Is that what you're doing?
- I'm not complaining about the sex. - That's what you're gonna do now?
Pull the car over, we'll have sex right now!
- No, we're going to my parents. - Just get it on!
- We are going to my parents! - No.
- I'm taking us to my parents. - No.
- We are not going to your parents' house. - Yes, yes we are.
- We are not... - I said yes!
Listen to me.
We cannot go to your parents. You have to trust me.
I love you.
And I will protect you.
Now, you did a great job of finding a car.
I need you to point it at the house, and step on it.
Okay, fine.
I'm stepping on it, and it's not...
It's not going. It's stopping, actually. It's starting to...
Great.
Didn't notice the blinking fuel light?
You're right.
I apologize. Topping off the tank should have been my first priority.
Run, run!
Go, go that way!
Darn it.
- It's locked. It's locked. - Stop pulling it.
- I missed. - Really?
Run, run.
- Twenty million! - You got them, sweetie.
Now! Now!
Come on.
God, those Volvos are amazing.
- Shit. - It's a block party.
Stay close, keep moving.
Walnut muffin?
Everyone's a winner!
Winner. Winner. We got a winner.
Pop a balloon, win a prize.
Corndogs, get your corndogs!
Hey, you guys. Hey, Spence-Spence, Jen-Jen.
Jen-Bear, where you guys going? They got corndogs.
They got regular, and they got bacon-covered.
Oh, really?
Hey, honey, there's no way she's packing heat.
You'd be surprised where people hide stuff.
Guys, can I use the bathroom in your house?
Number one.
- Where is the Go Bag? - In the office.
Stay away from the windows, okay?
The safe is underneath the carpet, the combination's our anniversary.
Where are you going?
To get the guns.
Get the guns. More guns. That's great.
Bothilda Walfredson?
I'm Swedish.
That's neat.
Spence?
Spencer, is that you?
Spence?
Spencer, is that you?
Oh, God. Mom.
Hey, you know, it is actually not a great time.
You think?
Kristen?
You know, actually, that kind of makes sense.
Lower your gun, or it's last call for Mommy.
I told you she's not a nice girl.
You told her that?
It's very rude.
- God damn it! Who is up there? - I don't know.
If somebody shoots Mr. Perfect before I have the chance to,
I will kill you both, on principle.
Lower your gun, now.
Check it out, honey.
Lily, no!
Just let my mom go, okay? I am all the leverage you need.
I didn't spend the last three years listening to you babble incessantly
about your perfect little life
to "F" it all up now.
So get in the living room, both of you. Let's go.
Let's go!
Let's go.
- Turn around. - Come here, dear.
Come on.
- You okay, you all right? - Jen, to be fair,
we did have some good times.
- Yeah. - Remember...
There you are, dear.
Answer the phone, sir.
My dead best friend wants to let you know that your target's still alive.
- Stand down, Spencer. - Whoa, hey, guys.
He killed Holbrook.
Two to the heart, one to the head, remember?
And then he pulled the trigger on me.
Daddy, is that true?
I put sleepers in your life because I didn't trust your husband.
I hoped I'd never have to use it.
It's the flash drive from Holbrook's watch.
It's all there.
His old boss turned dirty.
And in your office, when I saw that card with his name on it,
I knew you were back in the game and you were coming after me.
So I activated the killers.
I'm not trying to kill you, sir.
Why don't you tell her about Nice, where you tried to blow me up?
How do you know about Nice?
I was supposed to be on that helicopter.
When I saw you, I didn't go.
You said you got out when we met in France.
You said you were in the love bubble.
I got out. I'm out.
Just look at him. Does he look like he's out?
It was my last job. I'm out.
I got out.
For us.
And I'm never going back.
So you are not a pilot? Is that what we're...
Daddy, enough. Put your gun down.
I have been dodging bullets all day thanks to you
and it is not good for the baby.
- You have a baby? - No, I'm going to.
I knew it.
- Let's celebrate. - Okay.
I'm gonna be a grandpa?
Yes.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
And you're the father?
For God's sakes, Dad.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay.
This would be a great time for a trust circle.
- Trust circle? - Yes.
- No. - Yeah.
Yeah, let's do that. Okay, let's gather, everybody.
Dad, pull up a chair. Mother, join us.
Okay.
I don't do trust circles.
I know, Mother, but I think that this is necessary. Humor me.
Okay, I finally understand that I am not to blame for this dynamic, okay?
You are.
And you need to own that.
I need to own the fact that I unwittingly married
the one man who's exactly like my father.
A liar.
So, if any of you wanna ever see this kid,
this is what's gonna happen, okay?
There will be no more lying.
No more stealing cars, or hiding weapons in the furniture,
and I never wanna see you two try to kill each other again, okay?
In fact, there will be no more killing.
I don't wanna see you swat a fucking fly, okay? All right?
Are we all together on this?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Great job, baby.
Is there anything else
that I need to, or should, know?
Anyone?
Spencer?
English is not my first language.
And also, the third week that we were together,
you said, "I love you" in your sleep.
And I didn't tell you because I wanted to be the one who said it first.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, honey.
Mom?
Dear, you remember that time that I took you and your little friend for a boat ride?
No.
No? Well, forget it then. We're good.
Okay.
Okay, fine, in addition to planting killers in your life
and secretly working for a government agency,
I would like to admit...
Yoo-hoo!
Jen?
We need to talk about that darn property line.
Hi, Jen.
Sweetie, I don't think she was a killer.
I know.
- Red wire crosses blue, good as new. - Blue crosses red, good as dead.
I know, it's my saying.
That's not your saying, that's my saying. You copied me.
I didn't copy. I have not copied you a day in my life.
Really?
I think it's coming in nice, don't you?
No.
He likes it, don't you, buddy?
You like Daddy's mustache, don't you?
Don't you like that mustache?
- How's my little big guy doing? - I'm great.
Except your dad thinks I'm copying him, which I'm not.
Will you please tell him I'm not copying him?
Sorry, sweetie, every girl marries her father.
That's not gross.
I certainly did. My father was one handsome man.
Well built, rippling muscles,
his mustache was a lot larger than yours, though.
- Thick, like a Balkan forest. - That's nice, Mother.
But you're here to babysit, not creep me out.
- So, if you wouldn't mind... - Hi.
Yeah, Grandma's a little scary, yeah.
Maybe it's too soon. Maybe we should just stay.
No, it's not too soon. We're not staying, it's date night.
We're gonna go out, it's gonna be great. I'm wearing my skinny jeans.
Don't worry, Spencer, you can trust us.
If we can't trust them, who can we trust, right?
Right.
Bye, buddy.
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